Of Dreams and Paybacks!

Story of small town aspirations !

It is the summer of 2004. I haven’t slept for days. The anticipation and anxiety is killing. I have shifted to my mom’s room , trying hard to sleep. My eyes would remain open all night, staring at the uneven ceiling. The ceiling is completely white ( white washed as they would say) and would reflect any light coming from any where around even in the dark room.

The ceiling would also be the canvas of my dreams.

Dreams seen with open eyes but in the darkness of these long nights!

The dream is one of tall buildings, of smartly dressed people, of being the celebrity , of making my parents proud and …. a lot of freedom.

Suddenly my mind would break in to a song that describes this dream

“ Aasman ke paar shayad aur koi aasman hoga

Un lambe raaston par, sab tez chalte honge

Copy ke panne jaise wahan din palatte honge

Raat ko bhi subah jaisa hi sama hoga”

My mom too is awake now in the middle of the night. She turns to me, notices my wet eyes, she comforts me to go to sleep. May be I did sleep, as it’s already morning and everyone is getting ready.

I hurry up , get ready. Today is a big day. It’s my IIT- JEE results day after all. We have to go to a neighbours’ house, they have a computer. The results will be up by 8 am. I take my admit card and rush together with my parents.

All of us are novices at using the computer. I know a little bit from my computer class in school. Our school had started a computer room in last two years. It was a very cold room , all of us had to keep our shoes outside , computers can’t take dust and heat, we were told !

It’s 7:55 and the website is up, I tell everybody around to bring the chatter down. I put the digits of my roll number carefully one by one, I double check it. I press enter.

“THE CANDIDATE IS NOT SELECTED ” in big bold red capital letters. My heart stops, I re-enter , same result.

My parents look at my face “arey koi baat nahi, abhi to AIEEE hai, next year try karna”

I am quiet.

I am also perplexed - I never believed I am smart enough to get through this exam but I now can not believe that I didn’t get through.

Was I underconfident before or am I just being entitled now?

I walk the 2 blocks back to home- a walk of shame - in my head . All neighbours were outside their houses , waiting to Congratulate. Looking at our faces, they don’t ask anything. My father announces with a smile “ Nahi hua, next year try karegi”

“ arey koi baat nahi bhaisahab, mushkil exam hai”

As we reach home, my father is getting ready to go to the nearest railway station ( which is 60 km away) to cancel the ticket to Bombay. We had booked it in advance for counselling at IITB. Everybody believed I would get through.

I have my breakfast in silence. Suddenly the phone rings, it’s a friends father.

“ bhabhiji , badhai ho”

“ Nahi bhai Sahab, Chetna( me) ka to nahi hua”

“arey kya baat kar rahe hain, yahan to rank dikha raha hai, mere pass Chetna ka roll number hai”

His son has also gotten through, he has my roll number and he has checked it again to confirm that I got through too.

My mom is shaking as she keeps the phone down.

We immediately rush to this friend’s house and check on his computer.

I had qualified .

I am jumping out of joy.

I didn’t know till then, this is how I express happiness !

It seems , the first time around, in my excitement to check results I had seen it 5 minute too early, so it was an error. I had indeed cleared this exam.

My father need not cancel that train to Bombay, my vehicle to a promising future!

The drama that led to this selection only made me realise how badly I wanted it and how sure I was of getting through it!

This is my story , of how I moved from a small town in southern Rajasthan to the city of Bombay. A town with a population of less than 30000 people, with just one school , no railway station, with a defunct movie theater , with one road side dosa stall- the only restaurant and celebration destination every time I or my brother did well in our exams. I transitioned to a city where the trains never stop, where movies are made , dreams are made and sometimes life is too busy to care for such small celebrations:)

My father had heard of IIT and he told me I should prepare for it. I didn’t know what it is but I knew I needed to study for it. The only way out and towards a better life .

I did study hard for those two years not insulated ofcourse from the fickleness of a teenage mind. But it was my parents belief and their ability to dream beyond their means and their societal conditioning which changed the course of my life.

Whether IITs deserve the hype or not is always debatable . Ofcourse not every deserving person gets in to IIT and being from IIT doesn’t make you more suited to succeed in life.

But for many small town kids like myself, it does provide a stepping stone , a level playing field, an exposure to unlimited aspects of life that we don’t have in small town India.

I remain ever grateful to have had this experience,

- Thanks to my father who dared to dream big for his daughter amidst all “ beti ko kyun padhana hai” “zamana theek nahi hai bhai sahab” “Akele kaise rahegi”.

- Thanks to my mother who never paid heed to “ arey isko khana banana nahi sikhaya”

- Thanks to IITBombay ecosystem for shaping my beliefs, individuality and confidence to be my own self!

- Thanks to my tiny brother , who bore the brunt of it all. My teacher once told me “your brother will definitely get in to IIT if you do”, the pressure on him was immense. The first thing he said to me when I knew I had gotten in was “Tera to ho gaya , mera kya hoga”…. That’s too much pressure for a 12 year old. I truly wish he didn’t have to go through it! But I didn’t know any better.

And today to know that my little brother is going to be a professor at IIT Bombay …. Life has come a full circle.

And I can only be grateful for him to have a chance to contribute back to the country , it’s people and the students !

A payback that’s still due for me !